Fear

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” - Nelson Mandela. 

Fear for many is an invisible pair of shackles. Shackles that bind you from saying yes to that opportunity. Shackles that jail you from going on a new adventure, accepting a new job, or attending an event. Fear will haunt you if you let it. 

I have lived with fear and anxiety for most of my life. It has made me at times shrink within myself and not even try. It has been the voice in my head, hissing at me saying that I am not good enough, that I can not do it, that I should settle. Settle is what I have done for many years. Settling for what is given to me. Someone offers me a job, a job that makes my soul whither and my mood blacken. I will accept it. I will accept it because it is a job, a pay check, a 9-5. Is that not what we all have to do? The 9-5? 

I spent a year of my life on the benefit while I was rejected from hundreds of jobs a week. A time when I got around $200 a week from the government to live on. Most went on the rent, where I lived crammed in a flat with six other people. The rest for food. I lived, but I did not thrive. This time in my life instilled fear about money, and created a self esteem monster that often liked to kick me in the metaphorical balls whenever I had a period of feeling good for myself. 

This time also made me accept any work that offered a pay-check. Because shouldn't I be grateful for someone to consider me worthy of a payslip? 

So for many years, I have settled. I have sat in front of a computer in a florescent lit office in stale air conditioned air, doing the same task over and over again, until it is 5pm. Then the next day, I rinse and repeat.  Until, my wrists ached with RSI, my back was slightly hunched and my eyesight buggered. And what did I have to show for it, a CV with a list of jobs I would rather not have on there and well, like I said earlier, very poor eyesight. 

I would always say I will start trying to achieve my dreams tomorrow, next month, next year. But, as they say tomorrow never comes. 

This year, I lost a co-worker. He sat next to me everyday. We weren't friends. But, I would say hello and goodbye at the end of the day, ask how his weekend was, or bother him with incessant questions normally revolving around why my computer was doing this weird thing. And when I came back from Christmas break, his chair was empty. His desk still had his pen and notebook on it, his mini basketball hoop he got for Secret Santa last year, his drink bottle. All untouched. But he was gone. He had died over the break. 

And I felt this strange feeling flood my body. Grief. Grief that he wouldn't get to grow old.

For a life snuffed out. And a realisation for myself. 

What was I doing with my life?  Life is short. Life is so damn short.  He was here then he wasn't. I vowed to myself that day as I stared at his empty desk, I would not take life for granted. That I would strive for my dreams and goals and not let anything get in my way. 

That was soon forgotten, of course, as the rhythm of life beats on and I again settled for what was easy and accepted. 

And then Covid - 19 happened.

During Covid-19,  fear for many has become a common unwelcome bedfellow.  Fear of people, fear of the unknown, fear of even going outside. As I saw the world change, the death toll keep ticking upwards, economies crumble, politicians blab on and people panic, I felt an odd sense of calm and confidence settle within me.  

Maybe this is the best time to start sowing seeds for my future, I thought. At a time when the world is being razed to the ground, what comes next will be new growth. For the world, for the individuals in it, for me and you. 

When you have gone through a damn pandemic, fear is relative. The things you were in fear of before, kick starting your blog, posting that photo, reaching out to that mentor, seem really ridiculous now. 

Fear is relative. And I am not going to let it control my life anymore. Anyways, fear makes for the worst bedfellow, he has really cold feet and hogs all the blankets. 

So, what are you going to do today, that kicks fears butt out of your bed?